Since I wrote A Peek Inside My Writing Life (my second most viewed post - thank you guys!!), my work in progress, Dyed Blue has changed drastically, in some beautiful, and hard, ways.
It is so so much stronger now, and the characters, especially my main character, have really come alive. I shifted it from what I had initially planned as a Beauty and the Beast retelling with my main character being an assassin, to a more dystopian, fantasy novel that really doesn't have anything to do with Beauty and the Beast, and where Lily, my main character, is less of an assassin and more of a... victim of her father's villainy.
I also changed some of the magic/technological elements of the story, removed and added some characters, and made the ending a whole lot... happier haha - something I'm not too good at doing.
And as I was going through those changes (and still kinda am) it was really hard sometimes. My post, Pride Comes Before A Lesson, talks more about what I learned through my six or so weeks of working on the synopsis and how I really had to learn to let go of my pride and my expectations, and my timing, and let God have complete control over every aspect of my life, even writing.
At times it felt like the story wasn't even... mine anymore. It felt like I was having to change things... and then change them some more... and then change those things again!
I had a lot of growing to do, both in my writing and in my literal life.
But at other times, the changes were exciting and refreshing, and I could see my story morphing and transforming into something even more beautiful and complex and strong, right in front of my eyes.
The instructors were able to simplify the character arcs and put my thoughts, and what I was trying to say, into words that I would never have been able to pull out of my scattered brain. They showed me tiny little tweaks to pull more depth and emotion out of my characters, and they also showed me huge moments that I could shift to create even more impact.
There were hard changes I had to make, and changes that were so perfect and obvious that I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of that before!
There were hard days, and exciting, renewing days.
And through every up and down, high and low, what kept me going was my Savior. My best Friend. The servant King who sat down with me every day to write, and teach me, and encourage me, and push me.
He kept me going. But what kept me coming back to my story, even with a mountain of edits to make - what kept me excited to write, even a scene I hadn't first imagined - what inspired me and set me on fire was the heart of my story.
The message I was trying to explain, with my broken words and messy sentences and chaotic outlines. The theme I was trying to excite in my readers' hearts, with paragraphs that needed revising and plot holes that needed filling.
The heart of my story. That thing that forces you to write and pulls you through the dark spots and pushes you over the edge and ignites in you that burning, insatiable desire to hammer away at a black and white keyboard for hours.
That thing that makes your writing come alive.
Why We Write
I think a lot of authors have to come back to this question, as we're faced with imposter syndrome and fatigue and burnout and thinking maybe we were never supposed to do this - this question of why?
You can feel your mind whispering to you, I'm not the right person to write this story. Maybe I shouldn't even write.
Will I ever be good enough? Will I ever be able to do justice to this issue I'm talking about? Should I even keep going - why is this so hard?
And everyone asks these questions - not just writers. We forget that it doesn't matter if we're good enough. It doesn't matter if we have the strength to keep going. It doesn't matter if we can do it, if we are strong enough, if we will be able to do justice to this story.
Because by ourselves, we won't be able to. By ourselves, we will never be good enough.
Never.
It is in Christ that we find our strength. It is in Him that we are lifted up and encouraged and given the stamina and determination to keep going, even when it's hard.
It is in Christ that we are able to beautifully and graciously write stories to love and encourage our readers.
And it all comes back to the question of why you write - why we do anything in life. Are we doing it for ourselves? Or are we doing it for the glory of God, to love His children?
Do we write to satisfy some craving deep within us? Or are we writing to serve our Father and share His unconditional love with the people who pick up our books?
Are we living for pleasure and recognition and ourselves? Or are we living to honor the King of the universe and bring Him glory?
Our motivation matters - and if the why of your story, the why behind your writing, doesn't point back to the God who we were created to glorify, you're not going to have that fire fueling your writing, even through the hard edits and revisions and late nights.
And it's the same for your life, too. If you're not living because of Jesus, who is gonna get you through the trials and valleys of life?
If you're not living for Jesus... who are you living for?
It's All His
I am not in any way saying I do this perfectly. At all. Until we get to Heaven, none of us will be able to do anything perfectly. But that doesn't mean we can't try.
When I started writing Dyed Blue, I didn't know the why behind it. I didn't know the heart of my story yet. And it wasn't until the Holy Spirit started to show me the message and story and heart that I could communicate through the characters and story of Dyed Blue that I finally found my why in writing it.
And once I realized the why and fell in love with the heart of story, no change or revision or mountain of edits - no criticism or setback or failure - could discourage me, because I knew what I was trying to say through the story, and I knew Who I was writing for.
I started to learn what God wanted me to say.
This didn't happen overnight. And I didn't really realize it was happening, but God was shaping the story, and me, and giving me a reason to write it, He was giving me a why, and showing me the heart of my story.
When you have that, when you find the soul of your story, and the purpose in your life, and the Savior of the world is behind it, nothing can knock you down, because it's not yours anymore.
And that's what I was having so much trouble with. I thought the story was mine - I think my life is mine. But... it's not. It's just not.
Your life has never been yours. Your writing, your parenting, your work have never been yours.
Once you realize that, and let go of trying to wrestle your unruly life back under your control, you can live with so much more joy and freedom. When you let go of your plan for your life, and your plan for your writing, and your plan for your work, and let God have the reins, imagine what a beautiful, freeing, peace-filled life we could life.
Knowing that God's in control, and He is good, even when it doesn't look that way.
Knowing that His plans are best and He loves you.
A life where He is our motivation. He is our why. And all we are living for is Him.
His plan is going to happen, no matter how much you would prefer for yours to be set in motion. It's just a lot more painful if you haven't already let go of your plans.
Corrie Ten Boom said, "Hold everything in your hands loosely, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open."
It hurt when God pried my fingers open because I was holding so tightly onto my plans for my story, and my agenda for my story, and my goals for my story.
And all along... it wasn't my story.
What The Heart Of Dyed Blue Eventually Turned Out To Be
As I've spent more time on Lily's (my main character's, not mine) character arc, and spent more time reading my Bible and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me as I write, I think I have a pretty good grasp of what the heart of this story is, but then again, that's always subject to change!
My main character, Lily, has a heart filled with poison. In fact, her very blood is poison - a poison that her father has used to control the people of her city and establish his power.
A poison that makes her hated by her people.
And Lily is controlled by that hate - controlled by a fear of being hated and seen as the villain... and never being able to prove that she is not in fact the villain and is worthy of being loved.
She believes that because of the hard choices and decisions she has had to make, the people she has hurt and the lives that have ended because of her very own blood, that she must prove she is the hero, not the villain, and earn the right to be loved.
As she goes through the story, she slowly begins to realize the truth that love is not something that can be earned or proven. Love can not be bought by actions... or destroyed by actions.
True love is unconditional and forever and is not defined by your past mistakes.
The heart of this story of a girl whose heart is dying is not that no matter what you do you will always be loved, and that love conquers justice and you can do whatever you want and God will not punish you because He loves you.
But, rather, God's true love for His children is unconditional, not determined by actions, but determined by Him and His perfect character. God's true love for His children can not be bought or earned or proven in some way - He is the only One capable of giving it.
No matter how hard we try, we will still be sinners. Like Lily we will never be able to prove that we are the heroes, and not the villains. But because of Christ, God still loves us. Not because of who we are, but because of who He is.
And so I write because I want to show my readers that God's love is unconditional. I write because of who He is, and because of His love - not because of anything I can do, or any of my merits.
It's all because of Him, it's all for Him.
And once I found this fire and this why to my story - once I was able to grasp the heart of this story - it came alive to me. The characters felt like real people, best friends that were teaching me, and would hopefully teach my readers, that the greatest love in the universe is at our fingertips, all we have to do is receive it.
When I realizes Who I was writing for and why I was writing, I was ignited with a fire to do whatever it takes, and keep working and keep editing and keep writing, to glorify Him. To serve Him. To love Him.
He is my purpose and my fire.
Whether It's Your Writing, Or Your Life
Everything we do is for Him and His glory.
He is the motivation behind every word we write, every piece of laundry we fold, every picture we paint and soccer game we drive to.
He is the fire that gets us hyped up and excited about our next writing project... and meal we have to cook.
He is the adventure that awaits us every morning when we drag ourselves out of bed.., or get dragged out of bed.
He is the song playing in our heads as we put on warm pajamas and drink warm cups of coffee... and pick up dirty laundry and step on LEGOs.
He is our everything, and everything we are needs to be tied up in Who He is. Because if it's not, we're going to get discouraged, and tired, and lose focus on what's truly important. If He is not our why, and the heart to our stories, and the motivation behind our lives, we aren't living the beautiful adventures God planned for us.
God has a plan for your life, and your story, and your writing. Even when it's hard, He's got you.
The only thing we need to do is keep living, and writing for Him.